Emergence


“the act of becoming known or coming into view”
– Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Hello.

Who are you?

I am me.  Can you see me?

I see you.

I don’t need to be famous. I don’t really need to win any awards or achievements beyond what is due me for the hard work I put into whatever I am doing.

I do, however, want to be seen: as a person and a woman. Before I can expect anyone to see me, I realize that I need to see myself.

That sounds easier than it really is for a woman who has been a mother for almost 36 years, who stopped working outside the home at the age of 27 so that all of me could be devoted to raising my family. Yes, I maintained my own interests in computers, web design, photography and hobbies such as collecting vintage and antique sewing machines, quilt-making, sewing and knitting. I was not just a mother. I tried to be a person, too.

I didn’t see that I wasn’t really seeing myself. I didn’t know where to look. I had suppressed myself for so long that I didn’t really see who I was and what I wanted out of life. Before I could ever expect anyone to see me and know me, I needed to see and know myself.

That is what I am doing now. I am very proud of this stage of my journey. This has nothing to do with anyone else, really. Yes, other people are involved in my journey. Some amazing, talented and loving people are most definitely involved in my journey, but this is something that I must do for myself.

This part of my journey is frightening. Since this is about me and what I want, I need to really think about and try to know what I want. I need to give myself permission to consider my own feelings, desires and dreams. I also need to truly forgive myself for allowing myself to be controlled for so many years. By letting myself slowly disappear or become invisible in my marriage and my family, I allowed a lot of the dysfunction that occurred. I let an ugly thing continue to grow and overpower me and my children.

Yes, it is really scary to know that from here on out, it is up to me to make things happen. No more excuses. I still must deal with controlling people, but because I do not allow them to control me, I am on the hook for what happens from here on out. I have to push harder, fight more, and make sure that I get what I want out of life.

I am emerging, and it is scary as hell. It is really, really exciting, too when I allow myself to consider that I might have a life that I want with people I consider true friends and loving family. I am not bound by the controlling obsessions of others anymore. What is really exciting is that as I continue college, I am finding people responding to me in a positive way. I have never experienced that in my entire life. Not really. It is a strange experience. I find myself questioning if it can be real. Isn’t that sad? But I push past the doubts and move forward.

I am coming into view. I am becoming known.

I am emerging.

 

 

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