Of course I’m wrong about a lot of things. I am probably wrong about most things. Most people are. That is the key here. Most people are wrong.
Humans have an extremely limited ability to see. Anything.
I am very human. I will always be very human.
People who know me know that I am kind, but sometimes mean. They know that I am generally well-mannered and polite, except when I am rude. I am honest to a fault, except when I feel the need to hide (though I still don’t lie — I just hide myself away for a time until it is safe to come out). People who know me know that I am strange, different, just not quite right, enigmatic (I’ve been told).
One thing that I have discovered about myself is that although I want to be loved, want loads of approval and attention, desire to be adored by someone, anyone, I will not stop being me. I tried that and it didn’t work. I got completely lost. I am finding my way again.
So what if I’m wrong? I will continue to project myself onto the world. I might hide parts of myself away to keep them safe, the most fragile and delicate parts of me, but I will use my voice because I must. I am compelled by something deep down, something primal maybe, to speak out, to be present, to not be silent.
I will not be afraid. I will feel fear and concern, be insecure and doubtful, wonder whether I am just delusional, but I will not be afraid to speak. Someone has to speak. Women must speak.
In my on-campus classes (I take online classes, too), one common behavior I witness is (are) the soft, quiet, tentative voices of female students. The guys speak up, loud and clear, tend to overwhelm classroom discussions, but only a handful of women speak out, and when they do they can barely be heard. If one of them is sitting next to me or in front of me or behind me, I tell her to speak up, use her voice, don’t be afraid to be wrong; speak up and be heard.
So I write. I speak.
I most certainly am wrong. I see life and the world through my own clouded filters. So does everyone else. That’s the key here: everyone sees the world through clouded, cracked, oftentimes dark glasses. I love when the glasses I put on some days are beautifully clear and bright. I love that! But it isn’t always that way, and that is okay.
People who know me know that I fall down a lot (sometimes literally) but I always get up and find something to look forward to. Every single day. For those who have only met me through this blog, my other current blog is entitled, “Serendipity: Life is a Garden.” Such a contrast, I know, to this blog. I have lived by the premise that life is full of serendipity and that life is a garden, sometimes quiet and seemingly dead while it is merely resting, waiting for sunlight and warm temperatures to wake it up and give it new life. Life is beautiful, magical, delightful, amazing. It is other, not-so-nice things, too. We can’t just ignore the ugliness of life, just focusing on the nice stuff. But we cannot live stuck in the muck of ugliness, either. We must be able to wade out of the muck, make it to shore, wash off and dance, at least sometimes. I want to dance.
I might be completely wrong about Christianity and religious leaders and men who think they are in charge because God said they are. I might be. That’s okay. I am just speaking up and being heard. I am not afraid to be told that I am wrong (I have been told that my entire life — I can’t ALWAYS be wrong, right?). I am writing my way through life, and that’s the bottom line. I write to be heard, to express parts of myself that otherwise would stay completely hidden. If I’m wrong, so be it.
But what if I’m right?